Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Every Sperm is Sacred - Masturbation is Murder

Science has determined that every sperm represents half the genetic make-up of a human being. That means that each and every sperm is a potential human being.

Therefore, the destruction of sperm is the destruction of human life.

God, in His Infinite Wisdom, has designed the male body to expel thousands of sperm with every ejaculation. Since we lack a method to save all these lost potential souls, we can only do as God has ordained, and limit the loss of life.

Therefore, in order to honor and protect life, henceforth the following actions are illegal for any man to do:

  • Masturbate (alone or with a partner);
  • Anal sex;
  • Oral sex;
  • Premature Ejaculation;
  • "Nocturnal Emission" (whether at night, while sleeping, or not).

The evidence on presence of sperm in "pre-cum" for stimulated males is pending.

Only the following methods of sperm release shall be permitted to men:

  • Vaginal orgasm with a consenting, adult, female, to whom you are lawfully wed.

Only the following method of "birth control" is acceptable, since all others require the murder of human life, either the slaughter of sperm, or the death of a fetus:

  • "The Pill";

(Note that use of "the pill" might be morally objectionable under the "promotes being a slut" provisions, even when used by a lawfully married woman, prepared to provide documentation she is having sex only with her husband, and prepared to sign a pledge saying she will not become a slut, harlot, or loose woman.)

(Note also that we have given this a lot of thought. If you fancy you can think of a method of "birth control" that we haven't, then you're wrong and should seek medical attention - from a licensed doctor, or aggressive religious leader, whichever - for your deviancy.)

  • First time sperm murdering men will be sent to self-control education classes;
  • Second time sperm murdering men will be put on medications to control their unnatural, psychotic, murdering urges;
  • Third time offenders will be shot by a robot-controlled gun, on a random timer, because every life is sacred, and guns don't kill people, people kill people, and the random timer means that God ordains the moment of death for the sick, murderous sinner.


  1. "One of the bill’s sponsors, ... said, 'This bill helps men who are well past reproductive age to self-report when they willfully engage in conception,' according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution."

    I'm opposed to unwanted pregnancy. If we change society's moronic assumptions about pregnancy and sex, and create a shift to where every pregnancy is one that is wanted, instead of feared or life-threatening, then this naive "anti-abortionism is specialness" stupidity simply goes away.

    1. Ugh, it won't let me edit the above comment. Fucking Google people.

      *The Georgia House Passed a Bill to Ban Abortions After Six Weeks. Black Female Democrats Had the Best Clapback.*